Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce: Telling Your Kids
Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce NEW! Welcome to Talking to Your Kids About Divorce, brought to you by the team at Beech Acres Parenting Center! In this FREE text-based course, you’ll be given a brief introduction to talking to your children about divorce and how to keep them informed throughout the process. The decision to divorce usually is achieved after intentional thought and careful consideration. While you may not have chosen to experience divorce, you do have a choice in the way you approach this crisis, especially with your children. Divorce is complicated and painful but be assured that you and your children can move forward. You can decide to be a good role model for your children and turn what could be a devastating experience into an opportunity for growth and a fulfilling future. This process begins with letting your children know about your intention to divorce. Telling Your Kids There are many feelings and concerns that children experience during separation and divorce. Some common emotions you will see include anger, fear, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and guilt. It helps for parents to think through what information children will need before announcing the divorce. They will have plenty of questions, and there are certain things that they need to hear from both parents. Tell Them Together It is critically important that both parents tell the children about the divorce. This is a critical step in demonstrating a united support system and can help as you work through custody and co-parenting. When parents tell children together about divorce, several things are more likely to happen. First, there will be less focus on a “bad person” or one of the parents being seen as “at fault,” so your child is less likely to feel pressure to take sides. Secondly, your children will see you demonstrating your ability to cooperate. Finally, approaching this discussion together will help your child adjust more readily to the situation. Begin With Love Once both of you are ready to have the discussion, prepare by using the strength of love. Let your children know that they are loved and will continue to be loved deeply by both parents. Though the marriage has ended, the family continues, just in a different structure. Assure them that they will be able to continue to love both parents equally and the same as before. Give Them Perspective Next, offer them perspective on the situation. They should know that the decision to divorce was carefully thought out and that significant effort went into trying to make the marriage work. While your feelings for one another have changed, the special bonds between you as parent and child have not. Let them know that specifics and logistics will be carefully considered and communicated to them throughout the process. Answer Their Questions Finally, be prepared to address their curiosity. They are going to have questions. Lots of questions. They just may not be ready to ask you right away. Where will we live? With whom? How will this affect school? What do I say to my friends? Be prepared to address all of the questions they have. Tell them the complex feelings they have are okay. The ages of your children will significantly impact how they react to the news of your divorce and will require nuanced responses. Below you will find some age-appropriate responses to some common issues. Infants (0-18 Months) Your infants may be too young to understand what is happening, but it is still essential to be prepared to address any issues that may arise with your youngest children. Infants may experience changes in sleeping patterns, changes in eating habits, and difficulty when separating from mom or dad. Help them with these reactions by maintaining consistency in their care, environment, and routines. Whenever possible, build gradually towards any change in people they see regularly or shifts in their routines. Try never to fight in front of them and avoid displays of anger or emotional outbursts. Divorce is one of many Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that can long term effects on your child’s mental well-being. You know affection is critical to your baby’s development at this stage of their life, so make sure to continue providing plenty of physical attention and lots and lots of hugs. Want to learn more about what to expect from your baby and how to help them through your divorce? Click here to download some facts and tips from our experts. Toddlers (18 Months-3 Years) While toddlers may still be too young to really understand the deep emotions surrounding what is happening, they will be old enough to recognize a big change in their lives and will have big emotions to match. Toddlers may regress in sleeping, potty training, and eating. They may also become more clingy and attached to adults in their lives and security items like blankets or pacifiers. Address these reactions head-on with love. Make sure both of you are saying “I love you” to your child regularly. As with your younger children, consistency in routine and care is important as well. Want to learn more about what to expect from your toddler and how to help them through your divorce? Click here to download some facts and tips from our experts. Preschoolers (3-5 Years) The older your children are at the time of your divorce can increase the intensity of the emotional and behavioral reactions they are likely to have. Preschoolers who are just getting used to routines may demonstrate clingy behavior, especially during transition times to a caregiver, preschool, or going back and forth between mom and dad’s homes. They may show regression in developmental behaviors such as eating, sleeping, and talking. Some revert back to bedwetting. Kids at this age may also have a fear of abandonment or doubt that they are loved. Make sure that both parents reassure them that they are indeed loved! Provide affection and verbal reassurance. You can never say “I love you” too often. Try to
