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divorce

Photo of a woman sitting on a couch looking down as a man hugs their child after telling her about divorce
divorce, Parenting Tips

Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce: Working Through Custody Together

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Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce Divorce involves change…change involves loss…and growth. NEW! Welcome to Talking to Your Kids About Divorce, brought to you by the team at Beech Acres Parenting Center! In this FREE text-based course, you’ll be given a brief introduction to talking to your children about divorce and how to keep them informed throughout the process. Working Through Custody Together Divorce brings with it many conflicting feelings for everyone in your family. It is a considerable change for the family, and each person may experience different feelings at different times. Divorce does not have a beginning, middle and end, rather it is a process, and every person will move through the process at their own pace. A significant milestone during any divorce involving children is setting up the custody arrangement. This part of your divorce may involve much change and upheaval for your child as they become accustomed to their new living situation. Any reaction your child has is common and should be expected. Research on the effects of divorce on children has provided useful information about what can help children through the divorce period and avoid the development of long-term problems for children of divorce. Start With The Details Start by being transparent with the details of the custody arrangement. Assure your child that both of you love them very much and that whatever arrangement you have come up with has taken their best interests into consideration. Having a clear plan that minimizes drastic changes to your child’s routine is best. Involve your child when appropriate in the decision-making process. While there may be legal or other circumstances that are outside your or your child’s control, it is important to give them a voice when possible. Rely on your strengths of Love and Prudence when making any custody plans and decisions. The goal should be that your children have a close and nurturing relationship with at least one parent, but preferably both. Let them know that they are loved and that you are being thoughtful about the choices you are making that affect them. Nurture Positive Relationships Giving your child permission to have a free and ongoing relationship with the other parent is essential. Talk positively about the other parent to your child and encourage that relationship. Never put your child in the middle of your conflicts. This will help prevent the development of emotional problems. Remember, you need to learn to solve problems in a manner that protects your kids rather than expose them to the negative emotions or hostility that may exist between you and the other parents. Expedite transitions between homes and minimize negative discussions when dropping them off or picking them up. Modeling appropriate behavior during these transitions will help your child feel more comfortable. Communicate Finally, communicate with the other parent about issues that affect your child’s life. Make a list of the important things to consider regarding custody. These include time arrangements for holidays and special days, schedules for school events, conferences, sports, and other activities, doctor’s appointments and medical decisions, time with grandparents or other friends and extended family members, and other circumstances. Clearly communicate house rules, expectations, and discipline decisions and, whenever possible, keep these consistent between the two homes. Appropriate, timely communication with each other and with your child is key to having successful relationships post-divorce. Understand that these discussions may become emotional. Always be mindful of this and be prepared to take a break. Talk a walk (alone) and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that these discussions are in the best interests of your children before continuing. More in this series: Telling Your Kids Tips For Co-Parenting

divorce, Parenting Tips, Parents, Parents & Partners Divorcing

Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce: Tips For Co-Parenting

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NEW! Welcome to Talking to Your Kids About Divorce, brought to you by the team at Beech Acres Parenting Center! In this FREE course, you’ll be given a brief introduction to talking to your children about divorce and how to keep them informed throughout the process. Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce Once your divorce is finalized, it is critical to be on the same page with the other parent about raising and loving your children. Accept that, while the marriage is over, you will be parents together forever. The family is not ending; it is being reorganized. Tips For Co-Parenting Maintaining a parental relationship after divorce requires the ability to communicate. A clear co-parenting plan helps establish the boundaries in which you will parent your child together. Build from the ground up. Do not assume old patterns; establish new ones with your child’s best interests in mind. Clarify the expectations of the new relationship. Be intentional about how you behave with your former spouse. They are now your business partner in raising your children. Be Intentional Start with a clear plan that keeps your child’s well-being front and center. Make all agreements and arrangements clear. Use written agreements or digital calendars to stay organized. Be clear and complete in your communications. When creating schedules, always include times, places, and various needs (clothes, dinner, etc.). Schedule appointments to talk about your children when they are not present. Having this dedicated time to discuss issues related to raising your children will help keep you on the same page. Raising your child together “on purpose” helps increase stability for you and your child. Be Strong Your mutual concern is the well-being of your children. Establish a partnership that recognizes your reorganized family’s strengths. Lead with love always, but be prepared to flex your strengths of teamwork, judgment, and sometimes forgiveness. Be aware of and appreciate your own strengths as a parent and human being, and recognize the strengths of your co-parent. This allows you to see and grow your child’s natural gifts. Show appreciation for the other parent whenever possible in front of your children. Seeing you express appreciation, no matter how small, contributes to the greater success of the parenting partnership, which puts your children at ease. Be Mindful Being present, fully engaged, and accepting in each moment you spend with your child is so important. You cannot control what happens at the parent’s home beyond trying to establish clear guidelines for your co-parenting plan. Do not focus on or compare households, rather spend your time with your child the best way that you can. Listen to what they have to say and respect their feelings. This will create a loving, caring atmosphere in your home that reminds your child that they are loved and safe. Co-parenting using an intentional, strengths-based, and mindful approach gives you a blueprint for success. Staying on the same page, respecting each other, and being flexible whenever possible creates a strong, unified experience that shows your child that you love them and have their best interests at heart. More in this series: Telling Your Kids Working Through Custody Together

Photo of a woman taking her wedding band off of her finger
divorce, Parenting Tips

Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce

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Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce NEW! Welcome to Talking to Your Kids About Divorce, brought to you by the team at Beech Acres Parenting Center! In this FREE course, you’ll be given a brief introduction to talking to your children about divorce and how to keep them informed throughout the process. Sometimes, during divorce, we temporarily lose the ability to parent well. Like any other life-changing event, divorce can be dealt with positively and can result in emotional growth. Over the next few weeks, we will share valuable information to help you navigate this difficult time on your parenting journey. The topics we will cover include telling your kids about your divorce, working through custody, and tips for successful co-parenting. Parents, you love your children dearly. These tips will help you continue to show your children that you love them even and especially during this most difficult transition. This series is based on the work of the late Sharon James, a parenting expert who spent 18 years at Beech Acres Parenting Center, helping build stronger families. Sharon helped parents find their own strengths to guide them through their most difficult times, especially through her work with divorced parents, which was her true passion. To sponsor a family for Parent Coaching, make a donation to the Sharon James Parent Coaching Fund. More In This Series  Telling Your Kids Working Through Custody Together Tips For Co-Parenting Additional Resources Layers of divorce FREE download. Our friends at the Cincinnati Public Library put together a reading list featuring books with characters experiencing divorce.  Check out this mindful guide to co-parenting from Custody X Change. 11 Best Moving Companies (2022) from This Old House.

Photo of a man sitting on stairs while holding a notepad with boxes sitting on the floor
divorce, Parents & Partners Divorcing

Moving After Divorce How to Keep Co-Parenting in Mind When Relocating

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Divorce is difficult for everyone, and one of the hardest parts as a parent is having to relocate. When moving after your divorce, it’s important to keep your children’s best interests at heart to help them discover their new lives and to make co-parenting easier for you and your ex.  Once your divorce is finalized, you’ll first have to decide who will be keeping the marital home. It is important to be as objective as possible during this process to make sure that whoever ends up with the home can afford it on their own. Whoever doesn’t end up with the house will then have to move. Below are some things to keep in mind when moving after your divorce. Decide Where to Move Deciding where you’ll move is probably the most important part of this journey, especially when it comes to co-parenting. Depending on your custody agreement, you’ll most likely want to find a place that is close to the other parent’s location. This will make sharing custody much easier, as well as allow you to spend quality time with your children when you do see them, rather than having a lengthy car ride to drop them off each time. You’ll also be closer to their current school to make attending any functions easier. Renting vs. Buying Deciding whether you should rent or buy a home is a big decision, each with its own list of advantages and disadvantages. Renting will allow you more flexibility as well as less commitment. You may want to rent in a certain location to see if it’s a great fit for you and your children before you commit to moving there permanently. Another advantage of renting is that you typically don’t have to worry about any of the upkeep that is associated with owning.  If you decide buying a house is right for you, you’ll want to look into home loan rates to determine how much house you can afford. Depending on the market, you can opt for a 15-year or 30-year mortgage. A 15-year allows for lower interest overall, with a higher monthly payment; whereas a 30-year allows for higher interest long-term, but a lower monthly payment. Purchasing a home also gives you the freedom to customize whatever you want, allowing your children to adjust to their new space more quickly.  Allow Time to Adjust It can take years for a family to adjust to a divorce. During this period of change, it’s crucial to give your kids plenty of time to grow accustomed to their new lives. They’ll often times feel confused about the changes they are dealing with, and that’s ok. Give them the opportunity to explore their new space and make it their own. It’s crucial that you keep open lines of communication with them, but also give them the freedom they need to adjust.  Navigating both moving and co-parenting after a divorce can be a difficult process. Make sure that you keep your children’s best interests at heart to help ease them into their new normal as seamlessly as possible.  More Divorce Resources from Beech Acres Parenting Center Helping your children cope with divorce. Telling your kids about your divorce. Working through custody together. Tips for co-parenting. Talking to your kids about divorce – FREE text-based course.

Photo of a young girl hugging her father goodbye
divorce

How to Create a Smooth Transition into Co-parenting

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Managing a household while parenting can easily feel overwhelming, especially when navigating your family through a co-parenting lifestyle. It is natural to go through the bumps in the road when figuring out the best decisions for your kids but here are a few tips to help create a smooth transition into co-parenting.  Communication is Key You may have heard the saying “good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” (a quote by Nat Turner). Good communication is a key piece to the puzzle when setting a foundation to this next step in your children’s lives. When helping your children cope with divorce and the changes that come with it, it’s important to view your partner as a “business partner” and completely avoid using your children as messengers. Like the game telephone you might have played growing up, so much crucial information could get lost in the translation. Not only can it cause tension between you and your co-parent but it also puts the children in the middle of an adult situation that they should be left out of.  When communicating with your co-parent it is important to leave emotion out of the dialogue as you would a business partner. This will give you both the space and mental capacity to truly make decisions for the best interest of your child/children and not make decisions out of emotion.  Home is Where the Heart is  Just like after a long day at work, there is nothing more relaxing than being home in a space you can truly unwind in. Although “home” might look different for you and your children, your new home together can easily become a sanctuary for your family to grow and make memories in. The financial changes from a two-income home to a one-income home can be an adjustment. When in the market for your new home, consider applying for an FHA loan. FHA loans have a lower credit qualification requirement, require less money down, and have higher seller concessions.  When grounding roots in your new home, let your children help make your new home “yours”. Let them in on decisions in their room and living space, hang up photos of the memories you have made together and display a family calendar. This will give them a sense of ownership and help ease the transition to a new living space while simultaneously keeping your child in the loop of whose house they will be at on what days.   Perspective Can Change Anything A shift in perspective can change your entire experience. Being consistent in your co-parenting approach will encourage peace in your and your children’s lives and reduce stress for everyone involved. As a result, the transition from house to house will happen with ease. It is common for co-parents to hyper-focus on the smaller details of the other house, become in competition with the other parent, or even be emotionally reactive towards each other. By making a conscious effort to focus on your time with your kids, practice peace, and stay intentional when managing your interactions with the co-parent, time spent doing damage control can actually be put towards the time spent with your children.  Although co-parenting is no easy task, it can be done successfully and looked back on as a positive experience. At the end of the day, the beautiful children you have together are worth the time and effort needed to live a happy and healthy life post-divorce. 

Photo of two parents telling their child about their divorce as the child frowns
divorce, Parenting Tips, Parents

Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce: Telling Your Kids

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Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce NEW! Welcome to Talking to Your Kids About Divorce, brought to you by the team at Beech Acres Parenting Center! In this FREE text-based course, you’ll be given a brief introduction to talking to your children about divorce and how to keep them informed throughout the process. The decision to divorce usually is achieved after intentional thought and careful consideration. While you may not have chosen to experience divorce, you do have a choice in the way you approach this crisis, especially with your children. Divorce is complicated and painful but be assured that you and your children can move forward. You can decide to be a good role model for your children and turn what could be a devastating experience into an opportunity for growth and a fulfilling future. This process begins with letting your children know about your intention to divorce. Telling Your Kids There are many feelings and concerns that children experience during separation and divorce. Some common emotions you will see include anger, fear, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and guilt. It helps for parents to think through what information children will need before announcing the divorce. They will have plenty of questions, and there are certain things that they need to hear from both parents. Tell Them Together It is critically important that both parents tell the children about the divorce. This is a critical step in demonstrating a united support system and can help as you work through custody and co-parenting. When parents tell children together about divorce, several things are more likely to happen. First, there will be less focus on a “bad person” or one of the parents being seen as “at fault,” so your child is less likely to feel pressure to take sides. Secondly, your children will see you demonstrating your ability to cooperate. Finally, approaching this discussion together will help your child adjust more readily to the situation. Begin With Love Once both of you are ready to have the discussion, prepare by using the strength of love. Let your children know that they are loved and will continue to be loved deeply by both parents. Though the marriage has ended, the family continues, just in a different structure. Assure them that they will be able to continue to love both parents equally and the same as before. Give Them Perspective Next, offer them perspective on the situation. They should know that the decision to divorce was carefully thought out and that significant effort went into trying to make the marriage work. While your feelings for one another have changed, the special bonds between you as parent and child have not. Let them know that specifics and logistics will be carefully considered and communicated to them throughout the process. Answer Their Questions Finally, be prepared to address their curiosity. They are going to have questions. Lots of questions. They just may not be ready to ask you right away. Where will we live? With whom? How will this affect school? What do I say to my friends? Be prepared to address all of the questions they have. Tell them the complex feelings they have are okay. The ages of your children will significantly impact how they react to the news of your divorce and will require nuanced responses. Below you will find some age-appropriate responses to some common issues. Infants (0-18 Months) Your infants may be too young to understand what is happening, but it is still essential to be prepared to address any issues that may arise with your youngest children. Infants may experience changes in sleeping patterns, changes in eating habits, and difficulty when separating from mom or dad. Help them with these reactions by maintaining consistency in their care, environment, and routines. Whenever possible, build gradually towards any change in people they see regularly or shifts in their routines. Try never to fight in front of them and avoid displays of anger or emotional outbursts. Divorce is one of many Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that can long term effects on your child’s mental well-being. You know affection is critical to your baby’s development at this stage of their life, so make sure to continue providing plenty of physical attention and lots and lots of hugs. Want to learn more about what to expect from your baby and how to help them through your divorce? Click here to download some facts and tips from our experts. Toddlers (18 Months-3 Years) While toddlers may still be too young to really understand the deep emotions surrounding what is happening, they will be old enough to recognize a big change in their lives and will have big emotions to match. Toddlers may regress in sleeping, potty training, and eating. They may also become more clingy and attached to adults in their lives and security items like blankets or pacifiers. Address these reactions head-on with love. Make sure both of you are saying “I love you” to your child regularly. As with your younger children, consistency in routine and care is important as well. Want to learn more about what to expect from your toddler and how to help them through your divorce? Click here to download some facts and tips from our experts. Preschoolers (3-5 Years) The older your children are at the time of your divorce can increase the intensity of the emotional and behavioral reactions they are likely to have. Preschoolers who are just getting used to routines may demonstrate clingy behavior, especially during transition times to a caregiver, preschool, or going back and forth between mom and dad’s homes. They may show regression in developmental behaviors such as eating, sleeping, and talking. Some revert back to bedwetting. Kids at this age may also have a fear of abandonment or doubt that they are loved. Make sure that both parents reassure them that they are indeed loved! Provide affection and verbal reassurance. You can never say “I love you” too often. Try to

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