Natural Strength Parenting™

Senior Parenting and Engagement Specialist Dave Brewer shares his thoughts on discipline, rather his Natural Strength Parenting™ approach to learning… So, here’s the question right?!? How do I get my kids to do what they’re told, be kind to others, tell the truth, be responsible, respect their elders and do it all in a timely fashion with a smile on their face? Sound familiar? Well, here’s my surprisingly simple suggestion; Catch them in the act of being good. Behind that surprisingly simple solution is a simple equation; Discipline = Learning Behavior is only random once. After that, it happens for a reason. Kids have wants and needs. They believe these negative behaviors just might get them what they needs or want. In fact, sometimes in the past, it has worked.  If they kept it up long enough, or loud enough, somebody gave in and they got what they wanted. Or at least they think it might work. Our goal is to teach them different, productive and desirable ways to get their needs and wants met. And to show them that those other old ways, don’t work. So, what to do? Be intentional. Teach the behavior that you want. Don’t just say “stop it!” What do you want as the parent? You need to be clear about the target behaviors first so that your child will understand them. Clarify your families’ values. Say “In this family, we work together so everyone can be happy.” Or “We want you to be a good citizen, to understand rules and follow them on your own.” In order for them to learn, they need to understand the positive and negative consequences of their behaviors in advance. Then we help them learn from the consequences. Here are a few tips: Allow children to earn all privileges Be very clear about the consequences for complying, as well as not complying. After that, your role is to allow consequences to apply Consequences related to the behaviors, both positive and negative Mean what you say Say it once, and mean it. If what you are asking is optional, make that clear. Consequences apply after the first time Timeout: very short, interrupting negative patterns, opportunity to reset Grounding: not time-limited, based on demonstrating desired behaviors Be mindful. Be aware of their emotions, and yours. Rather than always be trying to “correct them”, catch them in the act of being good! Celebrate these moments. You can also be mindful after implementing a consequence. Mourn the loss of those privileges with them so they can understand the consequence and the reason that you used it. Work together by lean into their strengths. Strength spot! Find solutions together. Ask them “what do you think you could do the next time you feel angry?”. Use these moments as opportunities for them to learn and develop their strengths. And once again, don’t always be on the hunt for opportunities to discipline your child, make sure you are usually looking for the chance to praise them. Acknowledge their strengths. Catch them being kind or creative or being a leader. Everyone has 24 strengths inside them, use them to develop the behaviors you want to see at home. Discipline is learning. It’s a process.  Learning is not a one-time event.  With practice, you can be calmly, supportively in charge. Want to see Dave discuss this topic? Check out our YouTube page for a video version of this blog!

Changing The Outcomes Of Conversations With Your Children This might sound all too familiar: You begin a conversation with your child about an expectation or a request and it’s met with an explosive response or a refusal to do what you’ve asked. If you are like many parents in this situation, you may react to your child’s defiance with a reactive response of ‘how dare you speak to me that way’ and then follow up with a consequence. Often, this is the start of a vicious cycle. Meltdowns, followed by more threats of taking things away ensue. Suddenly you realize that you have ended up miles away from where you’d intended. With Natural Strength Parenting™, you can change the outcome of a conversation with your child by being intentional, leaning into your strengths (and theirs), and being mindful about your expectations and their reactions.  This approach can work whether they are two or a teen. Ready for a few simple steps to help you change the outcomes of conversations you have with your children? When there is a reoccurrence of defiant dialogue, partner with your child in problem-solving. This approach offers them the opportunity to learn emotional self-regulation. Try saying something like this; “A lot of times we have a problem talking about chores that need to get done. What do think we can do to avoid the frustration and anger we both end up feeling?” This intentional approach reframes the dialogue and puts the solution, not the problem, in focus. Show appreciation and empathy. Being mindful of your child’s feelings can help defuse potentially volatile situations. Try saying; “I understand not wanting to clean up your room. I don’t like cleaning either”. This does not mean your child does not have to do their chores. Instead, you align with them and they get to hear that you understand their feelings. Power struggles happen when the conversation is centered around what needs to get done. Change the conversation from a threat to a more positive outcome. The shift can be from something that sounds like this; “If you don’t clean your room, you can’t go out and play” to something more like this; “When you get your room cleaned, you’ll get to do your favorite thing and play outside. What do you think you’ll do? Ride your bike?” Be playful. This eases the stress for both parent and child. Try making chores “fun” by saying something like this; “Make like the wind and let’s see who gets their dirty clothes to the laundry room first”. You can also try reminding them of things that they enjoy. “I know that listening to music while you work always makes chores go faster”. Pairing something they love with something they may not want to do can make the time go quicker and easier. Focus on their strengths. Just like you, your child possesses their own unique strengths. Lean into those strengths to help them accomplish little tasks and big challenges. Try this; “You are so creative. How can you use your creativity to help get through something you are not very excited about doing? I’d love to hear some of your ideas. I may even try some of them myself!” By taking a proactive approach to conversations, even unpleasant ones, you can get to the outcome you desire. You are still in charge, they learn to hold themselves accountable, and you can celebrate what’s going well instead of punishing what is not.